Rumination vs. Reflection

Claire was the Director of the Project Management Office at an east coast construction company, leading a team of thirteen project managers. During the mid-year appraisal cycle, she had given a hard review. It was honest, prepared, and fair. Halfway through, the man across from her went quiet and his eyes filled. Claire stayed level, kept her voice even, and finished the points she had come to make. He thanked her and left. The whole thing took twenty minutes, and was over by ten a.m.

That night she replayed the performance review in her mind, and kept returning to the moment when his eyes filled, and how she had kept talking. Over the next few nights she continued to press replay, always to those same few seconds when he was in distress.

She tried to rewrite the scene in her mind. In her new version she stopped, softened, and said the words that would have helped him regain his footing. Of course, no matter how many times she rewrote the scene, she couldn’t change what happened. She continued to ruminate for four consecutive nights.

Claire was self-aware and had the gift of reflection that comes with it. She could sit with a problem and turn it until she saw its shape. But somewhere during those four nights, her gift of reflection stopped giving. She couldn’t see anything. She was feeling worse. And she still replayed the scene.

In our coaching session, we reviewed the incident together and clarified what a redo would look like. Next time, she would set the context in the beginning, position the review as feedback, not criticism, and would not rush to fill silence. That was the whole of it.

She sent the project manager a warm, two-line note, to leave her door open to him, and to close the replaying film for her. That night she slept well.

She had mistaken her ruminating and loss of sleep for proof that she cared. The lesson she learned was the proof.

Reflection looks back to learn. Rumination looks back to regret, and to ache.

The Question

Where has the lesson already been learned, and is it time to move on?

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” — Søren Kierkegaard